“It was I who knew you in the wilderness, in the land of drought.” – Hosea 13:5

It has been a crazy weekend, y’all. A crazy, glorious, wonderful, heartbreaking, freeing weekend. Friday night was day one of Jackie Hill Perry’s Glory conference, which was absolutely amazing. A women’s conference that was completely centered around God and His holiness! My mom and I went, but just before arriving, I found out some friends from Las Vegas would be going as well, which was an unexpected gift and blessing. The first night was awesome, but the second day was even more breathtaking. Miss Jackie’s sermons were incredible. In the first one, she worked through Exodus 32, when the newly freed and ever-impatient Israelites demanded Aaron create them a god while Moses was on the mountain. Out comes the golden calf, which they start praising and worshiping, saying, “These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt!” – Exodus 32:4.  Jackie made a lot of great points throughout the first session, namely that we can become rattled when God begins to mess with our idols. We’ll come back to this idea.

In the second session, Jackie spoke about holiness, how we cannot really begin to grasp God’s glory and holiness because we are wholly unholy. It was a message of grace and mercy, tethered to a decree of God’s goodness — that though we will never be blameless, Jesus came and surrendered His life so that we may be seen by the Father as pure and righteous once we believe in His Son. Unfortunately, in the weeks leading up to the conference, the enemy was working overtime in afflicting my mind and soul with doubt of God’s love and grace. I knew I was sinning daily and felt like I was constantly disappointing the Lord. Even throughout Jackie’s message, I was telling myself, “You are not doing this right, and you will never be able to. You are a sinner through and through, all you do is abuse His grace and mercy.” I was packing up my Bible in my backpack as worship — which was led by the fantastic Jordan Welch — was wrapping up. I swung my backpack over my shoulder and motioned for my mom to lead the way to the exit. Just then, I felt someone tap me on my back. I turned around to see a beautiful, young black woman come close to my face. She had a thick accent but I will never forget her words. She began, “I feel that the Holy Spirit has a word for you, so I’m just going to be obedient.” I nodded my head hesitantly. This had never happened to me and I wasn’t sure what kind of “word” I was about to hear. I nearly collapsed back on to my chair when she said the words, “He wants you to know He is pleased with you. Even though you are in an uncomfortable place in your life right now, it is all going according to His plan. The enemy makes you feel like God is disappointed in you, but Jesus has the power and the authority over the enemy and you are already walking in victory.” Y’ALL. You better believe the tears immediately started flowing from the moment she said, “He is pleased with you.” The first set of chains fell from my heart that day. I walked out of that church in teary-eyed freedom.

That was Saturday. On Sunday, the next bittersweet piece of freedom came. Without going into detail, the next day, my fiance and I ended our relationship after almost two years together. Weeks before, I had planned on going on a camping trip alone, just me, God, a tent, and some water. My camp reservation was for the following day, Monday. I cried hopelessly from Sunday to Monday, wondering how I could fix my broken relationship. At 3 p.m. on Monday, it was time for me to go to camp. I got there, all set up and ready for God to move and felt… nothing. I read through the book of John, I brought some theological centered books with me, I listened to worship music, I prayed in and out of my tent, I walked around the campsite praying and still… nothing. Tuesday morning came around and it was more of the same. Begging and pleading with God to take this pain away because it felt like it was going to absolutely crush me. 

It was then I was reminded of Jackie’s teaching in that session about the Israelites in the wilderness. They were impatient with the one true God, and with their prophet Moses, so they demanded the creation of a new god for them to worship. One which was lifeless and held no power over their lives, but they devoted themselves to the worship of their worthless god. I was feeling defeated and angry that my idol was taken from me. The one in which I gave more devotion and attention than the God of the Universe who deserves the glory, honor, and praise. Please don’t mistake me, I am not saying relationships or marriage are a bad thing, or an idol in itself. But, just like Aaron took the gifts of gold that God had bestowed upon the Israelites when they fled Egypt and created an object of devotion for them to sacrifice and pray to, so to do we take the good gifts He gives us and create our own idols made of flesh and blood, worthy of our love, but never our worship. That is reserved for Him alone. 

In the last few days, God’s sovereignty has been etching itself into my heart. His timing is always right, even when it feels off to us. I believe every encounter and conversation I had over the last five days was completely on purpose and within His plan. I came out of my time at camp filled with more joy and more peace than even before I walked through the doors of the church for the Glory Conference. My heart was made whole in His trustworthy hands. In my fasting and praying, I was renewed. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Today, I am still walking through the wilderness of my life. If you’re familiar with Hebrew, you may recognize the title of this blog as the original name of the book of Numbers. Rabbi Elliot Kukla defines it like this, “Parshat Bamidbar—which literally means “in the desert”—is all about this challenging time and space in between departure and arrival. It concerns the lengthy period of wandering in the desert after the Israelites left slavery but had not yet arrived in the land of milk and honey.” Currently, I’m in limbo when it comes to my career with the U.S. Air Force. I’ve sworn in, I have been approved to join a career in public affairs, but I have yet to receive a date to leave for basic training. This is going on four months since I was approved and the waiting feels like it gets harder every day. I’m in the desert. “In the challenging time and space in between departure and arrival.” I was there in my sadness over my broken relationship. I was there in the midst of my confusion as to who God was to me. And I remain there now, but with a renewed hope in my Savior, knowing that He will move mountains and crush my idols to get to my heart. And it helps when He sends me a personal message to let me know, “It’s all going according to His plan.”